Life stinks? Lucky!

Friday, July 25, 2008

I thought I would document some interesting feelings that for me are totally new. Warning, this note is not intending to draw out feelings of sympathy or sadness. I couldn’t be happier with my life in almost every way. I just want or need to put this to paper today because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Remember Monk who had a hyper sensitive smeller when the trash collectors went on strike. He couldn’t get settled until things were back to normal and the city’s trash was removed. He would even go outside of his normal m.o. to solve the problem. He hated trash, and most particularly other people’s trash, but because he needed things to smell normal he willed himself into walking up and down streets on a mission to collect every one’s trash. Why? So that things went back to the way they were. Monk and I now share this same mission.

Two weeks ago last Monday I lost my ability to smell and taste. Talk about strange. Why? Not sure. The internet chat rooms are filled with answers, yet I don’t have a clue. When people hear about my new found condition, they have a lot of ideas of what it could be. Here are the top four that have landed in my mind….tumor, undetectable sinus infection, Lyme disease, or an unknown viral infection. At this point I haven’t ruled out anything. I have been to specialists and have knocked out a few exploratory “could be’s”, but nothing of substance yet. When I return home in a week and ½ I will have a CT scan which may give me the answer…or maybe it won’t. All I know is that life has changed in a subtle yet powerful way. Don’t misread this. After calibrating out life’s oddities and challenges/disappointments, my life is still very much like that of Mary Poppin’s life…practically perfect in every way.

Here are a few of those subtle changes….
- I can’t tell if my breath smells anymore. Being sensitive to this I find myself putting more breath fresheners in my mouth just in case. Gum doesn’t get old anymore. Cool.

- I can’t join the after meal compliments. You know them well, “that meal was wonderful”, “those rolls were incredible”, “I loved that recipe”. No more. I can’t tell anyone honestly if their food tasted good or not. When I want to thank someone for cooking something for me I can only say, thanks for making something that feels differently in my mouth. “Whoa, that steak looks great.” These work. I haven’t been put in this position yet, but I will test my whole don’t tell social white lies policy as time goes on. Especially to my wife who cooks so well.

- Yes, I still do want to eat. That may be an understatement. I now crave eating. Not eating just anything necessarily but eating different types of things. I can’t shake the hope that the next bite will drive some inner sensation that says, heh, that was good. Haven’t really found anything yet. I did enjoy a pasta salad my boss’s wife made me the other day. I also enjoy carbonated drinks more than flat drinks and I had some watermelon my wonderful wife cut up for me the other day that as fairly pleasing. I’ve had sour gummy worms, spicy salsa, tart candies of all types, horse radish, and hot bean dip. All in an effort to taste something new...something pleasing…something satisfying…something at all. While I vaguely feel hungry, I still feel strong urges to eat. Lesson one in over eaters anonymous group therapy I’m sure. My feelings of denial get the better of me. This has got to change. The next thing I eat will definitely spark something. It has to. It has for 42 years. Surly it doesn’t change in one moment.

- By the way, I now hate water. I feel my clothes tightening up, but no guilt for having eaten too much. Not good.

- Kitchen, bathroom, garage, and car smells are gone, all gone. Scary to think it could be a gas leak or smoke and I would be the last to know if something was wrong…maybe literally. Do I have body odor right now? Don’t ask me. The expression ‘this smells fishy’ has new meaning for me.

- Food carries with it absolutely no satisfaction. Talk about depressing. Did you know that your ability to smell and taste has a lot to do with your ability to feel full when you are eating. True. I have no idea if I have eaten too much or not. I eat out of habit and I suffer the consequences if I eat something I shouldn’t. Especially something really hot. Can’t feel it going in, but it still does damage inside.

- I don’t feel guilty about eating because I can’t really feel what I have eaten anyway. Sure with time it gets down there in the gut and something sends the message, “heh, easy up there, knock it off.” Unfortunately it is too late.

- I can’t smell if things are rotten or not. The other day I started into my new found love, watermelon, when Stephanie stopped me because it was apparently rotten. Could have fooled me. It is at those times I really feel a bit vulnerable.

So my mission is to make things normal again. That may mean going back to the way things were or it may mean that the way I feel right now becomes normal.

These are a few of the observations I wanted to get down on paper. I do hope there is relief in sight, but for now I consider myself blessed just to be able to reason these changes out in my mind and still keep all the wonderfully great things about my life.

Until the next update…love ya.

Sid